If only alochol units were as consistent as Katie Price’s knicker dropping

August 5, 2009 at 10:43 (News commentary) (, , , , , )

I like my certainty. I like the fact that the sun sets every day, that Tuesday follows Monday, that the French are always on strike and that every evening sees Katie Price taking her “I’m the nation’s bike” tour to an all new pub car park. 

The Tories brought another warm feeling of consistency at the weekend when David “please hug me quick” Cameron confirmed that the New Tories are still more than happy to spread their butt cheeks to the highest bidder, this time by selling off Radio One.Now come on Mr Cameron – sorry, I mean Davey – I want to launch Chris Moyles out of a massive fucking cannon as much as the next man, but do we really have to auction off Fearne Cotton and Edith Bowman just so you can afford some tax cuts for all your house chums at Eton?

However, one area where there isn’t much good olde British clarity is in that thorny issue of what we are all chucking down our necks in our local boozer every Friday night. Or, as my erstwhile friend Mr Twat puts it beautifully: what the fuck do alcohol units actually mean?

At the weekend a very smart man, Dr Nick Sheron, brought us an answer – basically its all bollocks. The current guidelines on consumption were made up by a bunch of non-medical civil servants and have been changed more often that Katie Price’s fuck buddy. The Royal Colleges meanwhile appear so confused about everything that one suspects that might actually be pissed themselves.

Nobody it seems has the faintest idea what level of alcohol consumption should be or how much the health lobby should be pushing rest periods – and there are further complications not touched on by Dr Sheron. For example, the measurements you get in pubs varies drastically. A small in your local boozer will probably have less alcohol units in it than the same small in city centre chain pub, as the latter often chucks in more of the good stuff (in order, its alleged, to get you more pissed and thereby spending more dosh). Judging how much youre actually consuming is therefore close to impossible on a night out.

This is all annoying because as drinkers we are faced on a daily basis with a barrage from the powers that be, who smugly tell us that were drinking too much, that its causing the collapse of society, undermining the NHS and probably in some way leading to a massive reduction in the fluffy kitten population. We – that’s you and me – are once again being told were the equivalent of mentally retarded cabbages.

Well fine, if that is the case, why doesn’t somebody get ministers, the drinks industry and doctors to sit round a big bloody table and come up with a definitive guide to alcohol consumption so that all of us can judge how much we want to drink. At the moment the health profession is practising a form of ghettoisation, throwing out different guidance while the Department of Health produces lovely little gimmicky web resources like the Drinkaware site calculator which contradicts the views of some doctors.

If I’m going to be patronised then fine, Ill open a jumbo bag of cashews and get over it. But please, at least patronise me with facts and learning, not confused bollocks.

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